Hey, I almost liked this one!

Washington Post 5/30
And why did I like it?
31A "Type of computer port" --> USB
57A "'Novum Organum' author" --> Sir Francis Bacon (It's Ac guy)
Also fun names like Khachaturian.
Did not like 31D "___-daisy!" because a) its outdated, and b) it should be "OOPSY," not "UPSY."
Oh, and I thought the phrase was "sick as A CAT," not 26A "A DOG." Horrible Histories told me so. Therefore this crossword lies!

OK. I promise to stop boring you now. More may follow Monday.

Song--May 29,2009

Yargh. Stressful time. So many projects still to do and worry about before school is out. So many petty dramas making me feel tired and old. This song is how I unwind:



Anna Rose by Vienna Teng just may be one of the most soothing songs I've ever heard. In any case, whenever I'm particularly stressed, this is the one I put on. Vienna's voice is perfect for this song, and the lyrics are adorable. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the song.

Crossword Complaints

First in what may become a series.

Washington Post 5/29
So the overall clue was "Mixed Green Salad," which turned out to mean that the four long clues were anagrams of "GREEN SALAD," with the center across word reading "ANAGRAM." It was, shall we say, annoying. Although I did like 28D "Lee at Appomattox." Figure out the answer for yourself. This is also an It's Ac fact. :P
Um. A bunch of clues that took me forever to get, and about 5 which I will admit Googling. Proud to know 42A "Get Yer ___ Out (1970 Stones album)," but that's because I'm an old music junkie like that.

BTW, don't expect complete crossword pictures, because I do these on good old-fashioned newspaper. With a pen.
And I'm too lazy to scan.

EDIT: Hey, look, you can do the crossword for yourself!
Online
Print it out

Youtube Notables: Elton John and Musical Acts!

There's nothing more time-consuming than surfing Youtube. Here are some interesting videos:

Who doesn't enjoy Elton John? His music is awesome, he's a Knight Bachelor, and he's still standing!


The next thing that caught my attention is actually a clever and applaudable rendition of Maxwell's Silver Hammer by The Beatles. The act was performed by many of our own Magnet students during the 2009 Magnet Arts Night.


And here's Newground's animation of the same song: Caution! Not for the faint of heart xD

I've Been Getting Lazy...

Yeah, so I haven't been posting music features or It's Academic facts after I got back. I think I'll make the music a weekly/monthly thing instead of daily so I don't run out of songs too quickly. And there's that huge mound of homework staring at me angrily for procrastinating... *shifty eyes* As for the It's Academic facts, Eliz and I will work something out.

Set These Birds Free

Red-tailed Hawks should not be allowed to be kept in a shack that serves as a poor excuse of an aviary, in a small cage where they can barely fly for a few feet and their perch is situated such that they can barely even stand up straight.

Allow me to explain. Over Memorial Day weekend I went up to Garrett County. I went to Deep Creek Lake state park. We walked around for a bit. Then I saw a sign that said "Aviary." Now, as anyone who has been around me for about a day has no doubt picked up, I really, really like birds. So of course I ran towards that sign to see what that aviary was like. Lo and behold...we saw a tiny, rude hut. Extending from it were two tiny enclosements for holding birds, much like the ones you see at a zoo's bird house except much, much smaller. And within one of them, barely moving, stood not one but two hawks, standing in their miserable dwelling as if in a torpor. The fenced walls were littered with bits of fluff and down, as if the birds had thrown themselves against the walls in repeated, futile efforts to escape.

How can any animal, let alone ones as majestic as the hawks, be kept in such horrid conditions? In a state park, no less? Hawks deserve to be free. If this isn't animal cruelty, then I don't know what is.

(Note: I took pictures. They may be added, if I can figure out how to get them off my phone.)

Back Inside: Dick Waving Contest Edition

"Terminator Salvation" marks the intersection of two very... interesting things. On the one hand we have the "Terminator" franchise known for its Governator, deep sci-fi story and nerdy fanboys. Of late, the series has been through some rough times with its third installment (or perhaps better known as the not James Cameron or not good installment) that failed to deliver the three bucket loads of cash the good people at Warner Brothers expected it to (instead choosing to deliver 2) and so we have a completely new take on the franchise, oddly though retaining the same two scriptwriters from "Terminator 3."

On the other hand, we have the mad Irish, dick-waving-contest challenging McG, named so because his real name wasn't manly enough so he had to overcompensate (though the name probably wasn't the only thing he was compensating for). Fresh off of butcher beloved 70s franchise "Charlie's Angels," McG decides to shove his one eyed monster into the supple flesh of the "Terminator" franchise. The result? A resounding eh.

Those of us expecting a good "Terminator" flick will find the film appalling. The writers, who shouldn't be back (see what I did there?), decide to one up themselves over the previous installment by giving us an even more ridiculous script. Whoever thought that "So this is what death tastes like" was a good idea deserves to be shot. McG and Christian Bale also deserve similar retribution for saying the film actually had a decent script.

On top of bad dialogue and bad story, we have some of the worst acting to have ever graced the cinemas since 2008's "Meet the Spartans." A robotic, permanently Batman-rasping Christian Bale is actually one of the better performances we're given from an ensemble cast consisting of Ms. I'm dying of cancer but I'm really Skynet, Mr. I also have name issues so I'll use a common noun instead, Ms. I have make up and Mr. Stay alive in your heart. The only person to do a decent acting job is Sam Worthington as the horribly scripted "Moore-cus Right," a man with a dark secret crucially essential to the suspense in the story that's promptly revealed 2 minutes into the bloody trailer.

If you can over these aspects, which many of you probably won't, you'll find a competently -- nay, well shot -- action flick with good imagery and amazing special effects. The most amazing part of the visual aesthetics is how understated all of the visual trickery is. Normally in summer action flicks, the glittering CGI usually is very in your face. After all, which studio wouldn't want to wave the expensive multi-million dollar CGI work in the audience's face. But, after watching about 6 Michael Bay Films, the once cool CGI gets obnoxious and we want more real-life action instead of fake, computer-synthesized explosions. To this end, "Terminator Salvation's" special effects and visual trickery all hang in the background, second to the horrid acting and dialogue. One thing they absolutely named is the color palette. Not just gray and white, we have dark black, reddish skies and blue tech factories. Not only that, but McG proves that he does know his cinematography by nailing the pacing and camera work for the action sequences. Also nice are the continuous take, Children of Men-esqe, set pieces. One particularly memorable scene was the first helicopter crash and Terminator take down which throughout focused on Christian Bale dicking up his copter and machine gun turret, not on the nuclear explosion, giant sky-ship of doom or doomed people outside.

So, yes the script and acting are both absolutely putrid, but we have entertaining and well-executed action sequences, which partially make up for the price of admission. Whether or not this movie is for you really depends on two things: how much you of a "Terminator" fanboy you are and how much of a pretentious movie prick you are. More unsophisticated audiences will really find a lot to enjoy with "Terminator" while people looking for story and deep characters won't.

Recommended for: Action junkies, People willing to look past the shitty script and acting
Not recommended for: "Terminator" fans, People who like good movies

Back Inside is a column written by The Raconteur and eatYourOats, discussing the quality of movies and television shows now in theaters or on your television.

No new music for a few days

Going on vacation. Probably won't have access to the intarweb. Sorry.

It's Academic Fact--May 22, 2009

Elizabeth is out for the weekend, so I'm doing today's fact as well. She requested that it be about a platypus or a cricket. So, I'm going to see if I can make it about both!

....

Okay, this phails with a ph. Fact of the day: Platypuses are born with spurs on their ankles, but only the males keep them can produce poison. Crickets....do not. There. Both incorporated!

May 21, 2009--No Song Today

Too tired, and there's a genetics exam tomorrow. Sorry.

It's Academic Fact--May 21, 2009

If there's a biology choice question, chances are the answer is either grasshopper or earthworm.

Song of the Day--May 20, 2009

Though doubtless it'll be May 21 by the time I submit, because I was busy getting the aforementioned Huck Finn essay in on time. For the same reason, I'm not going to comment much on the song: "Angel in the Dark" by Jade Redd. It's spooky. And pretty. Enough said.

Listen to it:

Today's It's Academic Fact

Building off of yesterday's: ex-president George Fail Bush is related to Franklin Pierce, a slightly distant cousin on his mother's side.
Frankly, I know which one looks more trustworthy.

Yesterday's It's Ac Fact

Yargh. I forgot to post an It's Ac fact of the day yesterday! So here it is:

The author Nathaniel Hawthorne, known for such works as The Scarlet Letter, The House of The Seven Gables, and The Blythesdale Romance was a friend to president Franklin Pierce. Now, if any of you can say which number president Pierce was and what years he was in office, without using Wikipedia, I will present you an invisible cookie! Oh, and you should very definitely come to It's Academic on Tuesday.

(Ozymandias is not allowed to answer, btw.)

For all you writers out there

If you have a dA account, or have been "getting around to" getting one, then here's an excellent writing contest of sorts for you to check out: [link]

The concept is really cool, and the prizes are excellent. Oh, and Death collects souls in the gas tank of his green pickup truck and wears an Angels baseball cap. What's not to like?

We Didn't Start the Flame War

In response to the "We Didn't Start the Fire" video posted yesterday:

Back Inside: DAMNIT!

After terrorizing the citizens of Los Angeles for roughly 6 years, the jerks behind 24 decided to mix things up a bit and set Jack Bauer's latest killing spree in Washington, D.C. Cool right? No! Wrong! Thanks a lot Fox. Now I can't get into a bloody Metro without checking every door for a bio-weapon canister with an uncanny resemblance to morning wood or step into an airplane for fear of having a mad, goatee wearing backstabber blow it up.

Washingtonian-terrorizing aside, season 7 has been, in the kindest words, a mixed bag. But since I'm not the type to suck a television show's metaphorical genitals (I leave that to the professionals), I'm going to go out and say season 7 was the visual equivalent of having someone fart into your mouth while you're asleep. That doesn't mean this is the worst season of 24 ever (that dubious honor goes to the sixth season which introduced Jack Bauer's family... filled with terrorists), but it's a damn close second, disappointing given the incredibly long time in between seasons.

What every season of 24, so far, has been able to do is to pull off a good season finale (even season 6's was pretty good). With the expectations sky high and about ninety-billion plot threads to tie up (and that's a conservative estimate), does 24 deliver? In short: no. In long: ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

While I wouldn't say the season finale was complete shit, it didn't hold up to the tradition of 24 seasons at least ending strong. What we did get were a couple competent action sequences, some shoe-horned messages, some really shoe-horned messages and some inexplicable plot developments. I won't say plot twists because, save for 2 of them, all of these story elements were predictable as President Bush's 2008 approval ratings.

The one of the two "plot twists" was so mind-numbingly retarded that I won't even go into details. The other was fairly surprising to me: Kim Bauer (Elisha Cuthbert) did something useful. Yes, it seems that after 7 fucking seasons, the producers of 24 finally give Kim something useful to do. That's right, no kimnapping, cougar scenes or whacked boyfriends.

The biggest offender in this episode was the ending. I feel insulted by the writers that they could actually make us believe that Jack could possibly die even though season 8 (set to start production in a mock NYC set in LA) has almost started filming. Anyone who didn't see the whole Jack getting un-diseased plot development coming should is either a gigantic tool or a complete idiot.

Recommended for: 24 fans

Not recommended for: 24 fans

Back Inside is a column written by The Raconteur and eatYourOats, discussing the quality of movies and television shows now in theaters or on your television.

Song of the Day--May 19, 2009

Today I present to you a song both mysterious and exhilarating: "The Mummer's Dance" by Loreena McKennitt. McKennitt seems fond of long songs with repetitive melodies, and this one is no exception. But where some of her songs grow tedious, the repetitions for this one have enough subtle variations and interludes between verses to stay engaging. With its absolutely beautiful lyrics invoking the images of spring, tranquil yet bursting with life, and its strangely enthralling chorus that is both lovely and hypnotizing, Loreena McKennitt's lush, rich voice more than does the words justice.

Listen to it:


Lyrics:
When in the springtime of the year
When the trees are crowned with leaves
When the ash and oak, and the birch and yew
Are dressed in ribbons fair

When owls call the breathless moon
In the blue veil of the night
The shadows of the trees appear
Amidst the lantern light

Chorus
We've been rambling all the night
And some time of this day
Now returning back again
We bring a garland gay

Who will go down to those shady groves
And summon the shadows there
And tie a ribbon on those sheltering arms
In the springtime of the year

The songs of birds seem to fill the wood
That when the fiddler plays
All their voices can be heard
Long past their woodland days

(Chorus)

And so they linked their hands and danced
Round in circles and in rows
And so the journey of the night descends
When all the shades are gone

"A garland gay we bring you here
And at your door we stand
It is a sprout well budded out
The work of our Lord's hand"

(Chorus x2)

Period 8 Origins

After all the seniors left, period 8 Origins of Science got a whole lot better. With only 6 juniors (and a few seniors tagging along for fun), the class gets more intimate and more tangential (only in a good way). Take today's class for instance: we had a 30 minute long discussion about how religion influenced the way we philosophically structured our life. The planned topic: Immanuel Kant. 

Nuts just got nuttier!

Nuts is making progress! It now has 3 official columns and several supporting columnists. They are:

• "Back Inside" reviews by The Raconteur and eatYourOats
• "Music Notables" by Diana and EmeraldTome
  
• "It's Academic!" by Ozymandias, et. al.
  

"Back Inside" features reviews of the movies and television shows both new and old.

"Music Notables" showcases eclectic music of all genres.

"It's Academic!" provides daily trivia to keep you on your toes.

Indeed, Nuts is now on Facebook! Become a fan today!
Also to keep you up-to-date on on the latest Nuts news, we've set up an Atom Feed. Subscribe now!

We want to hear from you! What do you want reviewed and showcased? What issues do you want discussed and debated? Send us your suggestions, comments, and questions!

We didn't start the fire

As I have been reminded, it's my day for an It's Ac fact.  So I'm going to go overboard.

Everything in there.  :D  There ya go.

Song of the Day--May 18, 2009

Today, I get to combine two of my favorite things: good music and mythology. For those of you familiar with Arthurian legend, you will remember that Mordred is Arthur's son by his half-sister Morgauss. He is the one who is fated to bring the fall of Camelot. Morgauss is a bitter woman who is constantly after Arthur's throne. Now, against that backdrop, I present today's song of the day: "Mordred's Lullaby" by Heather Dale. Heather Dale's amazing vocals are hypnotic and bitter at the same time, making this a powerful song that invokes well the hatred, the passion, and the tragedy behind the legend. Unfortunately it doesn't mention the utter kick-ass magical powers of Morgauss, but I digress.

Listen to it (lyrics included in video):

We are(n't) the champions...

8th period Origins vs. Discrete kickball didn't go so hot. We (Origins) started off badly, with getting only one person on base before Discrete got 3 people out. Then they proceeded to go on a 6 point streak (through two rounds of kicking) before we finally came back with 3 points. Then we managed to end their kicking round very fast, leading into our best round yet, giving us 8 to 6. Then they came back with a final score of 9 to 8 (though some Discrete people insist that it was 10 to 8). God damnit.

Who do you trust...

...if you can't trust yourself?

It's Ac Fact and Song of the Day--May 17, 2009

Today's It's Academic fact of the day:
The world is round.
Just kidding! Here's the real fact. The structure of DNA was discovered in 1953 by Watson and Crick. They received the Nobel prize in physiology for it 9 years later, in 1962. What few people know is that they in fact shared their Nobel prize with a fellow scientist named Maurice Wilkins.

Today's song is "The Dove's Return" by Aine Minogue. It has no words. It features a beautiful harp melody with Aine's lovely, soft voice humming along. This may be one of the most calming songs I've heard, and yet it doesn't get boring thanks to the variation in the melody. There's a very cliched saying that "music calms the beast within." This song is one that very well could tame any creature, whether an inner beast or otherwise.
Listen to it:

Why I Write

Because, in addition to all those usual, trite reasons people give like "it reduces stress" or "it provides an escape," I can create characters based off of people I hate in real life and then kill them off, or else make them thoroughly unsavory and unlikeable. All while doing no actual damage! It's like voodooism except without the doll or the intent of physical harm.

The Way I See It

AP hell week(s) might be over but the worst is far from over. In the coming weeks, we have Huck Finn essays due, SRP proposals and related work due and finals in non-AP classes. Summer this year, unlike many previous years, is about to become less fun: in addition to the work from last summer, we have to write college applications, start thinking about teacher recommendations, cram for some last minute SAT or ACT test taking all the while recharging from a horrible year of school.

Blogger no. 1 (I refuse to use the nouns "Nutters" and "Pheynix") wisely, for a change, pointed out, what's done is done. But, we aren't done with high school yet, not by a long stretch. And even then, after high school we get (at least) another four years of university (unless your immediate post-secondary education plans include McDonalds and the song "Ding, Fries are Done") and then adult life. As a wise man on the internet once pointed out, "Fuck."

More Music

I'm designating myself the music recommender/reviewer/whatever person, since I don't even update my own blog so I need some motivation to update this one. Today's song is "O'er the Hills and Far Away" by Connie Dover. It has an excellent, lively rhythm, and Connie Dover's voice is at once piercing and rich. It tells the story of Jocky, a piper's son, and his (what else?) unrequited love for Jenny.

Listen to it:


Lyrics (from Connie Dover's site):

Jocky met with Jenny fair
Between the dawning and the day
But Jocky now is full of care
Since Jenny stole his heart away

Although she promised to be true
She proven has, alack, unkind
The which does make poor Jocky rue
That e'er he loved a fickle mind

Jocky was a bonny lad
That e'er was born in Scotland fair
But now poor lad he does run mad
Since Jenny causes his despair.

Young Jocky was a piper's son
He fell in love when he was young
And all the tunes that he could play
Was O'er the Hills and Far Away

Chorus
And it's o'er the hills and far away
It's o'er the hills and far away
It's o'er the hills and far
The wind has blown my plaid away

He sang when my first my Jenny's face
I saw she seemed so full of grace
With mickle joy my heart was filled
That's now alas with sorrow killed

Oh were she but as true as fair
'T would put an end to my despair
Instead of that she is unkind
And waivers like the winter wind.

(Chorus)

Hard was my hap to fall in love
With one that does so faithless prove
Hard my fate to court a maid
Who has my constant heart betrayed

Since she is false whom I adore
I'll never trust a woman more
From all their charms I'll flee away
And on my pipes I'll sweetly play.

It's Ac update

Today's It's Ac fact:  Our team just had its best run in fifteen years!  You should have come.  If you did not come and do not have a suitable excuse, shame on you.  It was epic.  The previous (semifinal) will air June 20; this taping will be on later that month.  Watch it.

Because I can, and if I can, I must (according to Mogge)

So, I thought I'd share a few little amusements... for no other reason than the fact that I like videos and words and music and suchlike.

First of all, Taylor Mali. This guy is awesome. He does these poem/speech thingies that are super and wonderful. Like The Impotence of Proofreading , Like, You Know, and What Teachers Make. Yeah.

I really like music (rock, folk, Celtic, awesomeness) so... I guess I'll pick a band to feature... Crosby, Stills, and Nash. Awesome rock group with a sort of folksiness. Their songs are very calm and often quite deep. Faves: Southern Cross (w/ lyrics), Suite: Judy Blue Eyes (from Woodstock) , and I guess.. Cathedral . It's not my favorite but I couldn't find a good version of Carry On/Questions.

Also, I really like Billy Joel. He's awesome. The voice is incredible. So, this song, and this one, and that also. That's all for now.

It's Academic Tomorrow!

This is a friendly reminder from your local It's Academic fanatic that tomorrow is the final round! Featuring Montgomery Blair vs. Holton Arms vs. Eubie Blake Taping at 10:15 AM at NBC Studios, 4001 Nebraska Ave NW DC, followed by Super Bowl. This is the first time in quite a while we've come this far, so be sure to pull yourself out of bed and cheer us on!

Props to Raconteur for mentioning McAuliffe in his post. I'll take a leaf from Schafer's book and drop an It's Academic fact of the day: McAuliffe is the general famous for replying with a single word to a demand for surrender from the Germans at the Battle of the Bulge during WWII. The word? Historians insist he sent back the word "Nuts" but others contend that it was, in fact, a much different four letter word not fit for publication in this blog.

What's your exodus?

Not too soon after closure of the banished exams, the year's end is just around the corner. Nevertheless, the stress, the angst, and the nerve-wracking anticipation are still overwhelming! But what we've done is irreversible, and what we have yet to do is being procrastinated upon (unless you suck).

For those who cant stand the wait and those who cant bear the frustrations of the impeding end, remember: what's done is done and you've tried your best. Look forward to your future journeys with high hopes and secure expectations that with each step, you will become a magnitude freer.

We all want extrication and we've all built ourselves around that desire. Yet each of us dreams of realizing a different exodus. For me, I simply want to be raised out of my incendiary paper-castle and lifted towards the loftiest clouds of pleasure. What's your exodus?

Welcome!

So, after combing the internet for your next daily dose of LOLs, you've stumbled across our little blog. Either that or you haplessly clicked a link in one of our writer's G-Talk status. However you found "Nuts," welcome!

"Nuts," as the name suggests, is a blog designed by, and written by a collection of students with both too much time on their hands (time that could be probably better spent on more important stuff... like life) and the mental delirium necessary to foster and nurture this type of blog. The name "Nuts" actually has a deeper meaning than this but Wikipedia is far more eloquent on this subject than we are.

Posts consist of either random thoughts that contributors thought would be interesting (at least to themselves) or columns. Currently, we have four columns: "Back Inside" written by yours truly and eatYourOats, "It's Academic" daily trivia, "Song of the day" articles written by Diana and a series of animal articles looking at the adorable animals we love and they adore.

So, if we haven't scared you off yet, welcome to "Nuts." Enjoy your stay and please shut the door if you're the last one out. You with me so fah?

Ever find a song...

...that you just can't stop listening to? Just recently I re-discovered the song "Cad E' Sin Don Te Sin" and have been listening to it obsessively ever since. This version, by Orla Fallon, is just absolutely lovely, despite the repetitiveness of the song, perhaps because of the gentle and lovely quality of her voice. You can listen to it here.

Lyrics (from getalyric.com):

Chuaigh mé 'un aonaigh 's dhíol mé mo bhó

Ar chúig phunta airgid 's ar ghiní bhuí óir

Má ólaim an t-airgead is má bhronnaim an t-ór

Ó caide sin don té sin nach mbaineann sin dó?



Má théim 'na choilleadh chraobhaigh 'cruinniú sméara nó cnó

A baint ullaí do ghéaga nó a buachailleacht bó

Má shínim seal uaire faoi chrann a dhéanamh só

Ó caide sin don té sin nach mbaineann sin dó?



Má théimse chuig airnéal 's rince 's spórt

Chuig aonaigh nó rásaí, 's gach cruinniú den tseoirt

Má bhíonn daoine súgach, 's má bhím súgach leo

Ó caide sin don té sin nach mbaineann sin dó?



Deir daoine go bhfuil mé gan rath is gan dóigh

Gan earraí, gan éadal, gan bólacht nó stór

Ach má tá mise sásta mo chónaí i gcró

Ó caide sin don té sin nach mbaineann sin dó?



Chuaigh mé 'un aonaigh 's dhíol mé mo bhó

Ar chúig phunta airgid 's ar ghiní bhuí óir

Má ólaim an t-airgead is má bhronnaim an t-ór

Ó caide sin don té sin nach mbaineann sin dó?



TRANSLATION

I went to the market and traded my cow

For five pounds in money and a gold guinea coin

If I drank all the money and my gold I did share

Since it's no one's concern, then so no one should care



If I go to the green woods wild berries to store

Plucking apples from bowers or herding the cows

If I relax in the shade for an hour or more

Since it's no one's concern, then so no one should care



If I go to the céilís, to dances or sports

Attend markets and races and events of that sort

If I see people merry and their merriment share

Since it's no one's concern, then so no one should care



People are saying I'm a cad gone astray

Without goods or possessions, no cow and no care

If it's my own desire to live in a craw

Since it's no one's concern, then so no one should care



I went to the market and traded my cow

For five pounds in money and a gold guinea coin

If I drank all the money and my gold I did share

Since it's no one's concern, then so no one should care

One more pet

Don't forget the goose:

More Pets of the Blog: Bunnies

The bunnies are very sad about being left out. 

You don't leave out the rabbits, ok?

Back Inside: Porn Stars Strike Back

What do you get when you blend pretentious movie-making with the values of an arthouse theater, add a dash of rich people and smother with a porn star as the lead? If you ask me, you get some excrement covered in blood and semen. If you ask Steven Soderbergh, apparently, you get "The Girlfriend Experience," proudly continuing Soderbergh's legacy of occasionally dropping all the cocaine and hookers associated with the money generated by the Oceans series. The last time Mr. Soderbergh left the drugs and whores on the couch, he made "Bubble," an awkward little film about an awkward little murder and some awkward little people.

This time around, "The Girlfriend Experience" ditches any veneer of formal film making. Gone are properly lighted sets, numerous cameramen and a semblance of a coherent story. Instead, we get the lovely Ms. Sasha Gray, up and coming porn star extraordinaire, well known for... well use your imagination on screen. Wow, it's all starting to make sense now. She offered her "services" to Soderbergh a few times to convince him to give her the lead role in "The Girlfriend Experience."

That's not to suggest the acting is horrible. Rather, Gray is quite convincing in her role. It's just that the story is so incoherent and boring that it falls flat. Christ, what is the world coming to? When a movie about nuns is more captivating than a story about hookers in New York, you know we have a problem.

The best way to describe "The Girlfriend Experience" is not what distributor Magnolia Pictures decided to label the film. "The Girlfriend Experience" isn't a comedy, by any stretch of the imagination. Rather, it's more like a time capsule. Buried deep in the ankle-high flow of crappy independent films, to be uncovered years later by snotty people at a wine party, who'll chuckle at the "quaint" reminder of 2008 Soderbergh gave them.

Recommended for: Aspiring porn stars, hookers, drunken film directors
Not recommended for: People who earn less than $1,000,000 a year


Back Inside is a column written by The Raconteur and eatYourOats, discussing the quality of movies and television shows now in theaters or on your television.

Pets of The Blog

To bring some life to the blog, here are some furry animals from a biota near you! (Yes, the floofy bunnies too.)

First, Элизабет's kitty Jo:


Second, Pheynix's DC squirrel Eliz:

Back Inside: To Boldy Go

Star Trek may just be the best popcorn movie ever made. No it's not a movie on the level of something like "The Godfather" or even last year's cultural phenomenon (a phrase reserved for by us in the industry of being pretentious jerks for movies that make more money than a maple syrup dealer in a lumberjack camp) "The Dark Knight." No, the movie won't make you cry (unless you're a Trekkie or Trekker). Nor will it cause you to think on a deep, philosophical level. No, this movie doesn't (and shouldn't) do any of the above. What "Star Trek" will make you do is high five everyone in the theater when the credits roll.

Everything about the film oozes charm and wit that it's impossible to hate the story for the mind-fuckery that is its time travel plot and the constant lens flare (J.J. Abrams, you owe me sunglasses. And new retinas). Chris Pine is Kirk, Zachary Quinto is Spock, Simon Pegg is Scotty and Karl Urban totally owns Leonard "Bones" McCoy. The CGI found in the film is awe-inspiring at times, not just because of their technical mastery but also because of its poetic beauty. Certain scenes stand out as being breathtaking: the female federation character getting blasted out of a compartment and into space. The harrowing space jump undertaken by Kirk, Sulu (John Cho) and Redshirt McHillbilly. The first moment we see the U.S.S. Enterprise in all her glory. And then there's the little details. The whining noise made when characters teleport back into the Enterprise. The beeping and noises caused by the various electronics operating within the ship.

The list of things the movie absolutely nails goes on and on. But what most people weren't expecting from a Star Trek adaptation was the phenomenal humor. Most of the audience was in pieces during the Kobayashi Maru test and the bloated hands sequence. Bones is easily the funniest character in the film, with Scotty coming in second. There's something inherently, almost disturbingly funny about watching a psychotic bipolar doctor spout out one liners on a ship. Or rather on a boat. In space. Motherfucker.

Recommended for: People who enjoy humor, wit and charm
Not recommended for: Hardcore Trekkies, people who laugh only once a millennia

Back Inside is a column written by The Raconteur and eatYourOats, discussing the quality of movies and television shows now in theaters or on your television.